How many people do you know who function nearly daily on the basis of the fear of rejection? Or how many of you do? And I’m talking now about rejection of all sorts and that all of us are familiar with.
How many times have you not done or said something because of the fear of rejection? Perhaps it was the fear of someone saying no to you, or of someone ignoring you, or the fear of being dismissed, being made fun of, or even scorned.
And, of course, this fear of rejection can really impact one’s life, can’t it? It can keep you from doing things, meeting people, engaging those you know, following certain paths; it can utterly change your life, both in the present and for the enduring future, the crippling fear remaining with you as an abiding, but unfriendly companion.
I cannot tell you how many times in my past I have avoided someone or something for fear of being rejected, including, and especially including, girls! I was horribly afraid of asking girls out in high school and college because I was sure they’d say no – which, of course, they always did, much to my devastation.
Writer James Comely was virtually paralyzed in his life by his fear of being rejected by people. So, one day, he decided to do something about it: he met the fear of rejection head on by trying to get rejected by someone at least once a day; and so, he set about doing that, setting up encounters where he could count on getting rejected, as in asking a total stranger for a ride to the other side of town, or asking for a big discount on, say, a purchase of produce at a grocery store, and the like.
What happened is that he kept getting rejected every day to the point, as hoped, where he found himself de-sensitized to the rejection and so no longer impeded by his fear.
I also met the fear of rejection head-on, but hardly with a method that de-sensitized me to the rejection. I would ask a girl out, got the expected rejection, and then proceeded to ask the girl out again, only to be rejected again. But I persisted to ask and get rejected until she would agree to go out with me – but only if I promised never to ask her out again!
And even though virtually every girl voluntarily went out with me at least a second time, with a few even becoming my girlfriend, what I accomplished did not nullify or excuse the less than honorable, even shameful – and certainly not caring – action on my part of virtually forcing the girl to go out with me on the first date! Nor did I obtain any relief from my abiding fear of rejection, even in those abiding relationships that developed.
Happily, that part of my past is now, well, a thing of the distant past. And yet, it’s not as if I don’t continue to struggle with that gnawing fear of rejection, and especially in connection with my writing – which invariably surprises people.
People are typically impressed that I have a traditional publisher that published my trilogy. But I have to tell you: when I finished writing Volume I in 2011, I resisted the urging by my son Michael to send it off to publishers. I resisted, for fear of being rejected. But he insisted. And so, I sent it off to two publishing houses. The first one never acknowledged even receiving the manuscript, and the second one promptly sent me a rejection note. Michael urged me to try again, reminding me that JK Rowling had gotten in the neighborhood of 100 rejections before Volume I of “Harry Potter” was accepted! But two rejections were all I could handle, I told Michael, and so, reluctantly, he agreed to help me with a plan to self-publish the novel through Amazon.
It was actually the case that we were only a few weeks away from self-publishing “Blackfire” when I at last received a letter from the first publisher I had approached. I was excited to receive the letter, but I was also not wanting to read a rejection letter, so I did not open the letter right away! Only when I had steeled myself for the expected rejection, did I open the letter many hours later, only to find inside, to my utter astonishment, an “offer to publish.”
And yet, it’s not as if getting published has helped me get over the fear of rejection when it comes to my writing; not at all.
I still fear rejection when it comes to how people respond to my novel. I fear people not showing up at book signings. I fear people picking up the book in my presence, only to set it down again. I fear people not liking the trilogy once they’ve read it, or, worse, dismissing it. And I take little comfort in the reality that the vast majority of even really fine writers struggle with the same fear of rejection.
And so, it really doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve already accomplished. This fear rejection can keep you from proceeding in all sorts of contexts and ways, because rejection, when it comes, hurts, often deeply so, and often enduringly so, often causing the enduring injury of holding you back because of your fear of more rejection. In this way, perhaps, the fear of rejection can be more harmful than the rejections themselves.
Virtually everyone has a fear of rejection to one degree or another, in one way or another. And in every case it is a fear of being rejected by another person or persons. And the question is: are we doomed to be controlled by that fear?
We are told by the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:13 that “[we]can do all things through Christ” who strengthens us within. We can do all things through Christ dwelling within us, asserts Paul, including therefore by definition the handling of our fears of rejection. But how does that happen? Even and especially in the face of fear that inexorably persists!
I used to be extremely afraid of speaking in front of people, which is another fear that surprises most people, and especially since I have spoken in front of others on well over a thousand occasions in the capacity of pastor, trial attorney, or amateur actor. But it’s nevertheless true. And nearly everyone can relate to this particular fear, because, according to some psychologists, the number one fear is the fear of public speaking. More than the fear of rats or spiders, or even death. Why? For many reasons no doubt, but one could almost certainly distill all of them into the fear of being laughed at or ridiculed or embarrassed, and thus in each instance the fear of being rejected.
Indeed, the last thing I could ever see myself doing was speaking in front of people, including especially delivering a weekly sermon. Of course, I was afraid of preaching because I was afraid of being dismissed or made fun of. In short, I was afraid of being rejected!
What must be emphasized, however, is that while I didn’t actually ever get over the fear of preaching, it got to the point where the fear was of little consequence, where the emotion of fear was overcome by the emotion of courage and dominated by an abiding sense of well-being, and so much so that my experience of these controlling emotions of courage and well-being were not even possible apart from some sort of abiding – but now more than manageable – fear of rejection.
And the managing of my fear of preaching (and the rejection behind that fear) occurred, and occurred rather immediately, once I focused on the conviction that I was “called to preach,” and that I was to preach for no other reason, and certainly no other reason that had anything to do with me or my ego, and remembered the Biblical promise to others who were also called to speak that what was to be spoken would be delivered by the One doing the calling.
Once I got James Eckblad out of the way, including anything having to do with whether I wanted to preach or not, and whether I was good at it, the fear was overcome, and I was able to preach – with courage and with an abiding sense of well-being that propelled me from one sermon to the next. And it wasn’t as if all the sermons were delivered well or well received! But it didn’t matter, because I was doing my best for the sake of others I was called to serve. Once the public speaking was no longer about me, the fear having everything to do with me had no force.
I continue to fear the preaching task and also the various activities associated with my writing, and especially those having to do with the marketing or the selling of myself. But as with the public speaking, I find myself having the fear of rejection overcome by both the courage to act and an abiding sense of well-being when I focus on the conviction that my writing (and so my outreach efforts connected to my writing) are based on a sense of call to serve others as an author. And this sense of call, when I function on the basis of this sense of call, has nothing to do with anything that I think I have to say of any import, but with the conviction that I am called to communicate through my writing and appearances something that God has to say through me; and I know that if I did not have this conviction, then I also would not have this writing vocation.
I don’t know what fears of rejection might be burdening you. But what I do know is that the fear of rejection is overcome whenever what it is we fear doing we do because of a sense of call to do it, and called to do it for the sake of others, on God’s behalf, as a vehicle for God’s love longing to be shown to others – in the flesh of Jesus, and so in our flesh as those who are told that Christ abides and moves in us. And maybe this is precisely what the Bible means, then, when it says in I John 4:18 that “perfect love casts out fear.” In the coming year, I hope this is the case for you.
